


Say Something (I'm Giving Up on You)

by parisw_1989



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Loss of Child, Minor Character Death, mild violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:00:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29128380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parisw_1989/pseuds/parisw_1989
Summary: In which Spencer and the reader are in a toxic relationship, trying to navigate the intrepid waters of love in a depressive state. Neither of them can find the right words at the right time. All it would take is to say something.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	Say Something (I'm Giving Up on You)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N - this is my first Spencer/Reader oneshot originally posted on my Tumblr fortheloveofcriminalminds. This is angsty af - seriously. Song fic based on Say Something by A Great Big World. Lots of inspo was taken from the music video for Moonlight by Future Islands (that MGG features in).
> 
> CW - all kinds of angst - reader relative death, mentions of Maeve's death and Emily's "death". Talk of depression and mental health, mild drug use, the occasional swear and loss of a child. Generally a complete fractured relationship. The ending is neither a happy or sad one - I have left it open to interetation.
> 
> Bold italics are song lyrics and italics are flashbacks. I really hope someone out there reads and enjoys this!

You had come so far together, but sometimes it seemed like it wasn’t far enough. The distance between you, although just a few feet, felt like a million miles. He could reach out and touch you if he wanted to but he knew he wouldn’t reach you. Not the way he wanted to,  _ needed _ to. The chasm between you that had started as a small crack in the seams now created a void between you that he knew couldn’t be fixed. 

He’d tried patching it up over the years, a bandage here, a few stitches there but he should have known better; sweeping the shattered pieces under the rug didn’t resolve things. If anything, it made them easier to rip open again.

“Y/N,” he whispered, his voice cracked and broken, just how he felt inside. “Please Y/N, please say something.” 

Your eyes were large as you looked up at him. Tears swam in them and he wanted desperately to reach for you,  _ fuck the distance _ , but he didn’t.

“Say  _ anything _ .” 

Your sigh rattled your frame as your teeth sunk into your bottom lip. You opened your mouth but closed it again shortly after. Once, twice, three times. Nothing came out.

Your road had been paved with good intentions, which over time had been replaced by speed bumps. By now those bumps in the road felt more like mountains. Spencer had always been determined, he would climb to the top of any mountain for you. But he was tired, so,  _ so  _ tired. The years hadn’t been kind to either of you, and he was starting to wonder if maybe the universe was trying to tell you something.

He was trying to navigate the intrepid waters of love in a depressive state without a compass. Comforting or being comforted while one of you was going through another episode had become your norm. 

That’s not to say that made it any easier. Acknowledging an issue was the first step towards overcoming it. But it was the next step that always tripped them up. 

**_Say something, I’m giving up on you._ **

***

_ He sat on the edge of the bed, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.  _

_ I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, was all he wanted to say but the words wouldn’t come out, or maybe he didn’t really want them too.  _

_ His shirt clung to his body with perspiration and his tie hung undone around his neck. He removed his glasses and tossed them aside so he could rub his eyes to stem the tears. _

_ I’m sorry, he repeated in his head like a mantra, but still nothing left his lips. _

_ You lay on the bed behind him, cautiously lifting your arm and running your fingers down his spine. _

_ “Spence, say something,” you whispered, your tone riddled with fear and sorrow. “Please?” _

_ He sat up right, his back rigid to your touch. Spencer was known for shying away from physical contact but you were his best friend, he’d never had an issue with your touch until now. _

_ “Spence?” you tried again, sitting up and swinging your legs over the side of his bed. You sat next to him, but the distance between you in that moment was the size of the Grand Canyon.  _

_ His eyes fell on the bedside table, or what was on it.  _

_ The vials of dilaudid seemed so small and harmless in the dim light of Spencer’s bedroom but you both knew better. They were the screaming beacons of Spencer’s mental state. The tourniquet around his left bicep still sat there as a hideous reminder, the empty needle on the floor by his feet. _

_ This was how you’d found him. When he hadn’t answered your calls and you’d come to his apartment, this was exactly how you’d found him. _

_ “I’m sorry,” was all he’d said when you’d thrown open his bedroom door as he emptied the syringe into his vein. Nothing had left his lips since. _

_ You crawled back behind him, kneeling on the bed. Despite his wriggling, trying to get free of your grasp you managed to wrap your arms around his waist.  _

_ He fought against you but you held on tight, linking your fingers together on his stomach, pinning him to you. Eventually he sighed loudly and gave up fighting. He was done fighting, not just you but everything. _

_ You rested your chin on his shoulder and leant your heads together.  _

_ He needed you now more than you would ever know, because Spencer would never admit it to you. But you knew, in your own way.  _

**_I’ll be the one, if you want me to_ **

**_Anywhere, I would’ve followed you._ **

**_***_ **

The tension in the room was palpable. In all the years he’d known you he never felt this kind of tension around you. You’d been here before, more times than either of you could count but this time felt different. It felt final.

He moved across the room, passed where you were sitting on the couch to the bookshelf. He started running his fingers over the cracked spines, just needing to do something to take his mind off of all of this.

“Y/N, we’ve been here so many times.” his voice was hollow, so unlike his usual utterance. He barely recognised the sound that came out of him. “Too many times.”

Maybe you’d come too far. Too much had happened, too much had changed. Maybe two broken people couldn’t make each other whole the way he wished you could. 

Your tears started to roll silently down your cheeks as you watched him from behind. You loved him, god you loved him so much it hurt. But love didn’t seem as though it was enough anymore, maybe it hadn’t been for a long time.

**_Say something, I’m giving up on you._ **

***

_ The sun was beaming down from a cloudless sky. Birds chirped in the trees and you couldn’t help but think how unfair that was as a tear rolled down your cheek.  _

_ His hand was on your shoulder but you barely noticed it. Your whole body was numb and had been for days now.  _

_ How unfair was it for today of all days to be so beautiful. Did the universe not understand? Could it not see what was happening? _

_ You had to stifle a sob as the casket was lowered into the hole in the ground. Tears cascaded down your face as it disappeared out of sight. His arm snaked around your shoulders, pulling you close to him. He placed a kiss on your crown but you barely registered it. _

_ Public displays of affection weren’t usually a thing between the two of you, especially since the rest of the team didn’t know about your relationship. It was coming up to a year since the two of you had transitioned from friends to something more than that and you’d both agreed to keep it from your team until the time was right.  _

_ You hadn’t decided on your father’s funeral being the right time, but by the way the team looked at the two of you now, none of them were surprised.  _

_ Of course they weren’t, they were the best profiliers in the world. They’d probably known before you and Spencer did. _

_ “Y/N?” he whispered to you, your eyes still trained on the hole in the dirt. “Y/N?” _

_ You didn’t have any words to offer so you stayed silent. He pulled you closer to him and with his free hand he took hold of yours and interlaced your fingers. _

_ “Y/N, please talk to me.” your hand was cold in his, like a block of ice. “Say something.” _

_ You tried to block him out, afraid if you spoke you would only snap at Spencer. Usually his arms around you had a special way of soothing you no matter your mood. That was the thing about you and Spencer, you always managed to pick each other up. But not now, not now you were witnessing the brilliant man who raised you being laid to rest. If anything, Spencer made it worse, made it hurt more. You didn’t know why, but he did. _

_ You felt empty and nothing Spencer could do or say was going to make it any better. You snatched your hand from his and stepped away from his grasp. His arms fell limply to his sides as he looked at the side of your face, tears welling in his eyes. _

_ Spencer wished there was something he could do, something he could say. He felt powerless, useless. If he couldn’t help you through this, what was the point in him being around? _

**_And I am feeling so small_ **

**_It was over my head._ **

**_I know nothing at all_ **

**_And I will stumble and fall._ **

*******

__

“I don’t know what I can say Spencer.” you finally spoke, your words echoing around the apartment. “I don’t know what I can say anymore. There’s nothing either of us can say to make this ok.”

Spencer’s back stiffened but he didn’t turn around. He just continued running his fingers over your book collection, one he’d inspected on hundreds of occasions over the years. He felt removed from them, like he was seeing them for the first time. 

“Spence?” you spoke again when your words went unanswered. 

He counted to ten slowly in his head before he turned around to face you. His eyes were vacant as he stared across the room at you. For the first time, possibly ever, you had no idea what he was thinking.

As a profiler you both always seemed so in tune with one another's emotions. Maybe that had nothing to do with your jobs at all, maybe the connection you shared was just that strong.

You had made each other a promise years ago that you wouldn’t profile each other however in moments like this it was hard not to. The look Spencer was giving you said everything words couldn’t. He didn’t know how to fix this anymore, and he didn’t want to. 

You weren’t sure if you did either. Not anymore. Once, not even so long ago you would have gone to the ends of the earth to make Spencer happy. You had spent years being his biggest cheerleader and him yours. It wasn’t often your depressive bouts overlapped and it meant you could usually be there for the other to see them through the other side. Most of the time.

But you had started to come to the realisation that this kind of relationship wasn’t healthy. As much as you wanted to be able to pick each other up, pull each other through your darkest hours recently you were only pulling each other down.

Your depressive episodes merged seamlessly into his depressive episodes and before you knew it you were trapped in a never ending cycle of pain and hurt. 

**_I’m still learning to love,_ **

**_Just starting to crawl._ **

**_Say something, I’m giving up on you._ **

***

_ There wasn’t a word to describe this, at least not one you could grasp at. Spencer would be able to think of one, he’d be able to think of twenty, but your mind wouldn’t allow it. _

_ It felt as though the world had stopped rotating on its axis when Hotch had spoken those words. Time stood still and everyone else slipped away.  _

_ Nothing made sense, this couldn’t be happening. But you’d all heard it loud and clear. _

_ “Emily didn’t make it off the table.” _

_ Emily was dead. _

_ You were still grieving your late father, his funeral feeling as though it could have only been yesterday when in reality it was almost a year ago.  _

_ And now you were going to have to attend another funeral, for one of your closest friends. _

_ Spencer went to speak, he wanted to argue that it couldn’t be possible. There was no way, Emily was a fighter, she wouldn’t have given up. It just wasn’t possible. _

_ But the words didn’t come. No words would come. _

_ Neither of you noticed JJ come closer to where the two of you were sitting side by side yet miles apart. She crouched down in front of you, placing one hand on your knee and one on Spencer’s.  _

_ “Say something,” she pleaded. “One of you, say something please.”  _

_ Spencer startled everyone when he shot up from the hard plastic hospital seat, almost sending JJ flying. He pushed passed her, ignoring the pleas from his team to come back. His shoulder struck Hotch’s as he propelled himself through the double doors of the waiting room and out of sight.  _

_ JJ stared at you, pleading with her eyes for you to do something.  _

_ “You’re the only one he will talk to.” JJ told you softly. _

_ You wanted to speak, to tell her that wasn’t the case, you wouldn’t be the person he was going to talk to but you said nothing. Instead, you got up from your chair following in Spencer’s wake without so much as a glance at any of your team members. _

_ You found him nearby in the corridor, leaning his back against the wall and staring at the ceiling. Without looking at you, he sensed your presence and as you caught up with him he started walking again. All you could do was follow dumbly. _

_ That night in Spencer’s apartment that had become your apartment too over the last few months, you laid back to back in bed, each at the farthest reaches of the mattress.  _

_ He knew you weren’t asleep and you knew he wasn’t either. But neither of you had the words or the energy to comfort one another. To comfort someone, you had to have strength and both of you had felt all your vigour leave your body’s when Hotch had delivered the news. _

_ You couldn’t provide solace for someone when you were fragmented yourself. _

**_I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you_ **

**_Anywhere, I would’ve followed you._ **

*******

The smell of the coffee grounded you both for a moment, giving you a reprieve from focusing on each other. You sat on opposite ends of the couch, cradling your mugs between your hands. 

Spencer took a sip of his sugary brew, feeling the heat spread from his mouth and down his throat. He centered his mind on the way it felt, the heat on his hands from the mug, the way it tasted sweet yet bitter and the smell of the roasted beans in his nostrils. 

It was preferable to giving his focus to the current situation. You’d both known the path you were heading down; truth be told you’d both known for a long time. 

You’d been by his side during Tobias Hankel and his addiction. He’d held you in his arms and dried your tears after your dad passed away but you hadn’t been the same since. Maybe it was his death that had damned you. Maybe it had been Emily’s death or having to deal with the aftermath of being lied to by your friends when you’d found out the truth. 

Or maybe it was another death entirely that had led you down this path. Spencer would never know for sure, but he would always have his suspicions  _ she  _ was the catalyst for it all. 

“Is this because of... _ her?” _ Spencer finally spoke, still looking down into his coffee.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw your head snap round to look at him. He didn’t need to utter her name, you knew exactly who he meant. 

“Seriously?” you raised your voice a little. “Are you for real right now?”

He clammed up. He couldn’t bring himself to answer that.

You slammed the mug down on the coffee table, spilling its contents but not caring or even noticing. You stood up and glared down at him.

“Spencer answer me. Say something!” you yelled through your clenched jaw. 

But he said nothing. He knew nothing he could say would calm you anyway so he didn’t bother.

“You seriously think this is about..” you spat, her name burning like acid on your tongue. “You seriously think this is about  _ Maeve _ ?”

**_Say something, I’m giving up on you._ **

***

_ It had started as innocent phone calls. She was a geneticist, it was professional; she was simply helping him make sense of his brain scans.  _

_ He knew when he started having the headaches he should have told you right away. You were his girlfriend, the love of his life but he didn’t want to put this on you. You were always trying to fix each other in one way or another and for a while now things had been good between you. He didn’t want to upset the balance. _

_ So he sought outside help. But it hadn’t taken long for the conversations with Maeve to become less professional and more of a personal nature.  _

_ Spencer enjoyed his Sunday talks with Maeve. He felt at ease when he spoke with her, she didn’t judge him and she didn’t baby him the way his team tended to. And she didn’t feel his pain the way you did. You took his pain on as your own the way he did with yours. He didn’t want to burden you with this, at least that’s what he kept telling himself. _

_ It wasn’t deliberate that he evaded conversations about you. He told himself he didn’t purposefully hide you from Maeve, it just never came up. But he knew that wasn’t strictly true. He’d told Maeve about the whole team, even Alex who had only been with the BAU for a few months. He’d told her about you too, but maybe he spoke about you as more of just another team member than his girlfriend. Not as though you were the woman he lived with, shared his life with; the woman he’d be thinking more and more recently about making his wife. He’d brought a ring a while ago, but there always seemed to be an obstacle that stood in his way. Or maybe it was just a perceived obstacle. _

_ He’d made up all manner of lies about where he went on Sunday mornings. Sometimes he was having breakfast with Derek. Sometimes he was discussing literature and doing crosswords with Alex. a couple of times he’d even babysat Henry. You’d believed them at first but over time he was starting to see the look of disbelief in your eyes as he left the apartment for another Sunday morning. _

_ You never confronted him. You knew he was lying to you but you had found in your fragile relationship sometimes it was easier to look the other way. But weeks rolled into months and even when Spencer was there he wasn’t really there anymore. His mind was elsewhere and you thought, no you knew, he was cheating.  _

_ And maybe he hadn’t cheated in a physical sense, but emotionally he had checked out of your relationship. And somehow that was worse. _

_ Her death had almost destroyed Spencer but you didn’t care that she was gone. You wished you did because you weren’t a malicious person but you couldn’t muster the empathy. You didn’t care that her death shattered your boyfriend. You were glad she was gone. You were glad because you fooled yourself into thinking with her gone, Spencer would be here again, present in your relationship once more.  _

_ “Were you in love with her?” you spat, anger boiling inside you and spilling out in your words. “Were you?” _

_ Spencer didn’t speak. He couldn’t speak. He only had one answer for you and in return you only wanted one answer. But he knew those answers were not one in the same. _

_ “Spencer!” you yelled, your voice haggard. “Did you love her?” _

_ He sighed, running his fingers through his unruly hair. But no words left his lips. _

_ “Fuck, Spencer, say something!” your voice was louder now, the anger turning into bile. “You loved her didn’t you? You were falling in love with another woman and I was none the wiser. What did I do to push you into her arms?” _

_ It wasn’t a question of what you had done, more what you hadn’t. The space between the two of you had felt magnanimous for months now. He wouldn’t go as far to say you had pushed him into her arms but maybe if he’d felt he could talk to you he wouldn’t have turned to Maeve. _

_ “Spencer!” you shouted again, snapping him back from his thoughts. “Say something, for the love of god say something!” _

_ But he didn’t. Because nothing he could say would make you feel better and he didn’t want to add to your pain. Ironic given that in saying nothing, he was only adding to his own. _

**_And I will swallow my pride,_ **

**_You’re the one that I love_ **

**_And I’m saying goodbye._ **

***

“Do you really think I’m still torn up over her?” you shook your head in disbelief.

“I don’t know Y/N.” he spoke meekly. “I never did believe you truly forgave me for that.”

“It’s been years.”

“Yes I know.” he agreed. “But you didn’t forgive me for it. I don’t blame you, I had an emotional affair.”

Those words hit you like a freight train. You both knew what it had been but that word had never crossed either of your lips. 

“You told me it was ok and that you understood. You told me you loved me and that we could work through it. But you never once said that you forgave me, so it’s reasonable to believe that yes, you could still be torn up over it.”

Your lip quivered at his words because you knew he was right. You hadn’t ever told him you forgave him because you  _ hadn’t  _ forgiven him. Almost eight years on and some bitterness still lived inside you because of  _ her. _

But you didn’t say as much aloud. Instead as your tears started to fall you slumped to your bedroom. 

You fell to the bed, curling up into the foetal position, staring at the wall. Spencer slowly dragged himself into the room, seeming more as though he had followed because he felt like he had to rather than wanting to.

He sat by your feet and put his hand on your leg.

“Tell me I’m wrong Y/N.” he whispered, not looking at you. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

You didn’t because you couldn’t. So once again, you said nothing.

**_Say something, I’m giving up on you._ **

*******

_ Spencer’s world had come crashing down in an instant from a single gunshot.  _

_ By the time he made it to the other side of the building you were on the floor, blood pouring out of your chest.  _

_ He dropped to his knees beside you in an instant, his hands immediately putting pressure on your wound. _

_ “Y/N!” He screamed. “Oh my gosh Y/N! HELP! SOMEBODY HELP!” His tears were streaming down his face as he desperately fought to keep you alive. “Don’t die on me Y/N, I need you! I love you!” _

_ With the tiny ounce of strength you had left in your body, you reached your hand up to cup Spencer’s cheek. You opened your mouth to speak but no words came out. _

_ “Don’t speak Y/N, you don’t need to say anything. Conserve your strength beautiful.” He sobbed.  _

_ It felt like hours but was really only minutes when help arrived in the form of Tara and Rossi followed swiftly by paramedics. _

_ Rossi had to physically pull Spencer off your still form so the medics could get to you. He was sobbing and shaking and covered in your blood. Rossi held him tightly as he frantically tried to break free from the older man's grasp.  _

_ Once you were on the gurney and being led to the ambulance, Rossi let him go and he sprinted after you. He grabbed your cold hand as they were loading you into the back of the vehicle and he jumped in with you. _

_ The sirens began, their emergency melody playing out to the city. He held you hand the whole way, tears falling heavily from his eyes. _

_ He twirled the ring around on your finger, playing with it in absent mind. You’d only been married a few months despite being together now for over eight years. And you knew why you’d finally made it down the aisle. There was only one reason for it and you both knew it. _

_ Your head was rolled to the side so you could look at him but with the oxygen mask now over your mouth and nose you couldn’t speak. _

_ But he didn’t need you to speak to know what you were trying to say. This was his fault. You should have stayed together but he had thought it would be better if you’d split up to cover more ground. He’d left you alone and you’d been shot.  _

_ He blamed himself and he could see it in your eyes that you blamed him to. If he lost you he didn’t know how he would go on. If he lost you and your baby, he would never, ever forgive himself. _

**_Say something, I’m giving up on you._ **

***

She would have been three this July. Your  _ daughter  _ would have been three this July. Spencer had proposed to you the day you found out you were pregnant and you’d been married less than two months later. She was the only reason the two of you had made it down that aisle. 

You would have called her Eden. Eden Diana Reid. You would have done, if you hadn’t lost her due to the stress caused by almost dying from a gunshot wound. 

And you still blamed Spencer and he knew it. He still blamed himself too.

“Do you ever think about her?” you finally spoke. By the way your hand rubbed gentle circles on your stomach, he knew exactly who you meant.

“How can you even ask me that? I think about her everyday.” 

“You don’t talk about her.”

“Neither do you.”

He wasn’t wrong. Your mental health had been at an all time low after the loss of Eden and you hadn’t really recovered since. You’d been put on medication but you stopped taking them after a few months. They had made you feel numb and you’d hated it. You would rather be miserable than feel nothing at all. 

“Maybe we could try again, you know?” Spencer turned to look at you where you lay on the bed. “It’s been long enough now, maybe we could try for another baby?”

He had never been brave enough to broach the subject of having another child with you. He worried it would break you, shatter you into even more pieces than you already were. But it was something he wanted more than anything.

You didn’t say a word. You turned over so you were facing away from him. 

“Y/N,” he sighed. “Please don’t ignore me. Say something.”

But you didn’t. You couldn’t believe he would bring it up like this. He was grasping at straws. When you’d fallen pregnant before, the baby was probably what had kept the two of you together. And you knew that was why he was mentioning it now; maybe if you had a baby it would make your relationship worth fighting for.

**_And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you_ **

**_And anywhere, I would have followed you._ **

***

_ What had started as just a normal day at the BAU offices ended with you in Mexico, watching your drugged husband behind bars.  _

_ Nothing in the world could have prepared you for this. Maybe if you’d pried a little more, asked more questions about his trips to Houston you would have been able to help him sooner. Maybe it wouldn’t have gotten this far. Maybe your husband wouldn’t have been arrested for drug possession and accused of murder. _

_ But, you supposed, to have done that, you would have had to speak to each other and that was something you hadn’t done, outside of a working environment for almost four months. _

_ You’d moved out of the apartment around that time, staying with Garcia until around a month ago when you’d signed a lease on your own place. _

_ The divorce papers had been sitting on his bookshelf for two weeks. You had signed them around the time you moved into your new place and were waiting for him to send them back to his lawyer so the two of you could make things official. You’d tried your best, or at least you both told yourselves that.  _

_ Maybe the two of you were never fated to be happy. Not alone and not together. But after years of going around in the same circles you knew you would be better off without each other. At least you hoped you would. Things couldn’t get much worse. _

_ Or so you thought. But then Spencer had been arrested. _

_ “SSA Reid?” the officer approached as he spoke.  _

_ You chewed your lip, no one had called you that in months.  _

_ “SSA Y/L/N.” you corrected him, causing Emily, Rossi and Luke to exchange confused looks. _

_ Garica was the only person you had confided in that your relationship was over and god bless her heart for the first time in her life she had kept a secret. You and Spencer were able to remain professional and no one had been the wiser. The two of you had excellent poker faces. _

_ The officers eyebrows furrowed looking at the four of you for some kind of clarification. _

_ “Are you doctor Reid’s wife?” _

_ Well there was a loaded question. But legally, there was only one answer. _

_ “Yes.”  _

_ “Follow me.” he motioned for you to follow him and you did. _

_ Behind you, you heard Emily, Rossi and Luke muttering amongst themselves and you knew exactly what it would be about so you pushed passed it. _

_ The officer led you to the holding cell where Spencer was being detained. As soon as your eyes landed on your husband, your heart leapt into your throat.  _

_ His eyes that usually held so many emotions were bloodshot and devoid of any warmth. His hair was matted and messier than usual, his face held a few days worth of stubble growth.  _

_ When he saw you, you saw in his eyes that he didn’t recognise you at first. You wished it hurt more than it did. The officer unlocked the cell and slid open the bars, motioning you inside. _

_ You sat down on the bench opposite him and put your hands on his knees. _

_ “Spence,” you whispered. “It’s me, Y/N.”  _

_ He stared at you blankly, seemingly looking through you rather than at you.  _

_ “Spence, do you understand?”  _

_ He nodded stiffly. _

_ “We’re going to get you out of here, you know that right?” _

_ Again he just nodded. _

_ “Spence, please say something. I need to hear your voice.”  _

_ His eyes went dark as if telling you he didn’t owe you anything. It was you who had finally given up on the two of you. It was you who had moved out. It was you who had served the divorce papers. So if you needed to hear his voice, he didn’t much care. _

_ “Spence,” a few tears rolled down your cheeks. “Please baby, I know things aren’t great with us right now but we’re still friends right? Please Spence, say something, anything at all.” _

_ But he didn’t, not to you anyway.  _

_ He turned his attention away from you towards the officer who was standing on the other side of the bars. _

_ “We’re done here.” he croaked at him before turning his whole body away from you. _

_ It hurt, my god it hurt so much. But it should have hurt more. _

**_Ooh, ooh say something, I’m giving up on you._ **

**_***_ **

A few hours of silence followed, neither of you having the words left to say that would make this ok. 

Spencer had been cleared and released from prison almost half a year ago and the two of you had decided to put your divorce on hold and see a marriage counselor. It had worked for a time, but honestly, you knew your relationship was past the point of saving. 

You were toxic for one another if truth be told. You’d once thought you could save each other, that somehow all your broken pieces would fit together and make you both whole. But if anything, you’d broken each other more.

There were too many scars on your relationship that just refused to heal because they were opened time and time again. When you needed each other most you shut the other out and pushed them away rather than being vulnerable and asking for help from the one person that loved them most. 

You were sitting between Spencer’s legs, his arms wrapped around your waist as you lean your back against his chest. He nuzzled his head into the crook of your neck taking in your scent, knowing it very well could be the last time. 

You laced your fingers in his with a sigh. Despite everything that had happened, you always felt safe in his arms. But you hadn’t felt happy in them for a long time and you knew he hadn’t either. 

You still loved him, you knew you always would. He was your one great love story but even the most beautiful tales didn’t always have happy endings. 

He held you like that until the sun came up, not another word spoken between you. Because what was left to say? You’d said everything you possibly could, at this point words had become redundant.

You both knew it was time to make a decision and this time it had to be final. You had to decide which path to take, to save your marriage or to give up on each other one last time. 

**_Say something._ **

Could you come back from all that happened between you? Could love be enough? Were you able to fight for Spencer when you didn’t feel as though you had any fight left in you?

**_Say something._ **

Spencer gave your hand a squeeze and kissed your cheek. Neither of you needed to speak because there were so many unspoken words flying between you. All the  _ I love you’s, I’m sorry’s _ and cries for help filled the room to the point it was almost stifling. 

If you decided to stay, would things ever really get better? Could  _ you  _ be better for Spencer and could he be better for you? 

You wished you could leave the past in the past and look towards a future with Spencer. But unfortunately with the two of you, history had a horrible way of repeating itself so maybe you never really stood a chance. 

**_Say something._ **

Maybe it was time to accept you couldn’t fix each other. Or maybe all it would take was for one of you to say something, tell the other they were worth fighting for and that they wouldn’t give up. 

“Say something,” you whispered, your voice croaky. “Please god say something.”

Spencer cupped your face and turned your head so your eyes could meet.

“What do you want me to say?” he asked softly.

**_Say something._ **

“Is it worth it Spence? Tell me if all of this is worth it.” 

He wanted to, he wanted to tell you that more than anything else in the world but he didn’t know how. He didn’t know how to tell you those things because he didn’t know if he would believe his own words. 

Instead, he inched closer and placed a delicate kiss on your lips. 

But that one kiss told you everything you needed to hear. That one kiss spoke louder than any words ever could. It held every word you’d ever shared, the good and the bad. The,  _ I hate you’s  _ and the  _ I miss you’s,  _ all in one. All your excited hellos and fraught goodbyes. 

He tore his lips away from yours and rested his forehead on yours. 

“Stay with me awhile.” he muttered softly. 

For the first time in years you were on the same page. And finally, the silence between you was a comfortable one. 

  
  


**_Say something, I'm giving up on you_ **

**_Say something_ **

  
  
  



End file.
